TESTIMONIAL
In my journey of life, I encounter so many things that caused me to grieve for a long time without knowing what to do for me to recover from these traumas. I lost my dear parents, two sisters one brother and my own son within a short span of time. Going inward to my own sense of grief and loss is a normal and natural reaction to the horrifying pain I encounter. The grief of all these losses really hurt me each day as I did not know how to deal with these griefs. It was the pain I only knew, and experience, sadly, no one was aware of how much I was affected. During lock down of Covid-19 pandemic, it became more painful as the restrictions prevented the whole world from meeting up and the pain of grief was triggered and became severe and was at its peak in my life. Thank God for sisters who cared. Inspirational women to action (IWTA) came to my rescue and invited me to join the ZOOM meetings they were holding frequently some sessions during the week and some taking place each weekend. One day I was asked to share my experience about my losses and how I had managed to cope. This was my light bulb moment as in my sharing I spoke about the comments from family and friends that I received during the time I was in hospital with my son until his death. The comments were very ‘toxic positive’, insensitive and vile that was piercing through my soul. That day, that is when I realised, I had taken too many pollutants and inhaled a lot of toxicity and kept on soldiering with an embedded pain. It was too much painful and I was hurting within me. However, by sharing my lived experiences, I now realised that something new was created within me. As I was sharing my experiences, I comprehended my own strength and the giant birthed within me as I shared without hesitation or fear of what people will say. I felt Inspirational had created a safe environment where there was no judgement, and I was given the stamina to stand tall for the first time in history. In my sharing I came to the realisation that as much as I thought I was coping I me and was so heartbroken. was carrying a heavy stone on both my head and heart. I nearly choked to death as I acknowledged this for the first time that I am living in a deep pain within me. My emotions were all over, but my breaking down in front of IWTA and the support I was getting made me to pre-empty all the pain I had inhaled and carried on my own. I felt supported despite opening the wounds I had thought I sealed and saved comfortably. I wept but kept telling myself that ‘this is my time, sharing my story without being judged’. I owned my story and benefited others who were going through similar traumas like mine. I felt proud of myself, and I am indebted to IWTA.
After this meeting I shared at IWTA team, I decided to join with some of the women who had enrolled do the Grief Recovery Method (GRM) course with the Grief recovery specialist who was invited to speak to IWTA women. I was one of the fortunate people who take up the eight courses.
At the initial stage, it was hard to have a venue that was conducive to meet up with such sensitive topics but by God’s grace and mercy we managed to secure a safe place for all of us to learn and support each other. The first day we were provided with some resources and the tools we need to use during the course. As I started the course it was like a ‘a can of worms opened’ everyone in the room was so broken and we had to pause and took some breath in techniques and applaud for each other when one finishes sharing. Everyone started opening deep wounds they have been carrying for a long time, some for their lifetime and some were living in the past. By sharing my own story and hearing from others opened my eyes, understanding and created many ways in desolate for me to start dealing with all the losses I had encountered one by one. During that time, I also grasped that I was grieving the breakdown of my marriage which I did not realise. Unforgiveness was eating me alive, and this was affecting me bitterly and I could not help myself. I was soaring into severe depression, loneliness, anxiety, and my mental health was challenged in most cases. I was a Christian who was failing to make that ultimate decision of choosing forgiveness and moving on. I had to start by forgiving myself for punishing my soul by not asking for help. When IWTA told me ‘Its ok not to be ok’ I was shocked as previously surrounded by people who judged my vulnerability. So, the only choice I had was to wear a garment of pretence, fragile strength and used the ‘toxic positivity’ majority of Christians uses; ‘It is well’ when someone is crumbling in their own sorrows and griefs. I instantly knew I had to do something about ‘me and I alone. I had to make choices before I get consumed by all my griefs. I had to make a resolute choice to stop further damaging myself and chose to seek help to assist myself in recovery and look after my own health and wellbeing. By taking a step of forgiveness I had proven that forgiveness was good for my mental health and a necessity if I wanted to regain my health and well-being quickly. The minute I chose to forgive, I released myself from engraved pain, hurt and dispelled all the traumas that I had experienced. I understood time times come only to make me strong tough stuff all. I felt free as I chose to forgive and let love rule in my heart!
The Grief Recovery Method (GRM) course took eight weeks to complete. During that period the past hurts I was holding started peeling off day by day. The Grief Recovery course provided a very safe environment for me to look at my old beliefs about dealing with loss, and identify which losses have affected my life, and take actions that led me to complete unresolved emotions that caused me pain.
When I dealt with the unresolved emotions in my life, I decided to train to be a Grief Recovery Specialist, so I can help others struggling with pain, losses and above all grief. Now, I do help broken hearted people over serious and complex losses and because of my experience with GRM organised by Inspirational Women to Action (IWTA), I am able to help others recover from pain and help them to mend their broken hearts. I use my own lived experiences and I also cautious when supporting others that I do not overwhelm them with my own past grief. A lot of people have had tragic events that triggers their own personal backgrounds of the sad moments and painful experiences that have caused them to live in bitterness. Majority of people have lived with experiences that have made them feel sad, hurt, lost, or scared. Sometimes it only takes a little trigger, and they spark uncontrollably or even suffer from depression. Now, helping others in this way gives me satisfaction within myself, and seeing others getting the freedom from grief, unforgiveness, bitterness and recover themselves again is my goal! To me that’s success in a unique way.
All I can say is thank you to Inspirational Women to action (IWTA) Team for allowing me to share my vulnerability without judging me. They listened to me not to judge me or dismissive attitude but with love and willingness to carry me along the journey of my recovery. This has led me to freedom from grief and opened an opportunity for me to now help others recover themselves from live tragic events as Grief Recovery Specialist.
Once again, thank you to IWTA. I am happy to work with you in supporting other women who could be suffering from hidden traumas with a great outside look yet inside they are dying. I am forever indebted to your support.
Yours Sincerely, Revayi Shalom Maburutse
TESTIMONIAL
I used to be in a cage, tied with fear of the unknown, fear of what people will think or say, fear of losing my children, fear of failing. I was crippled with all kinds of fear. In most instances I had deemed myself useless and I used to think I was a nobody and was busy admiring people who acted like they didn’t have any problems. The worst thing was ‘I wished to be someone else’ I aspired to be in their shoes. I was so negative with low-self-esteem. I used to think ‘oh this is it’, I am no body, I am ugly or too dark as I grew up being called by bullies including some family members and friends and I concluded I am even too old to chase my dreams and become what I wanted to be. I saw myself as personification of failure and believed nothing good can come out of me. This was also affirmed by people I thought were my beloved ones, so I became hopeless and believed in a lie. I lost my confidence, and I would find myself sleepy excessively without taking good care of myself. Some days I will lie down for the whole and lament or yell at my children. Sometimes I will just burst into tears, sorrow became my daily bread, and scream in anguish. My bed became my comfort zone, I could not even tide the house and starve myself and by doing so I felt I was out of trouble. I even refrained from socialising, and I did not speak to anyone. I became shadow of myself. Many times, I have been condemned and judged a lot whenever I explained my worries to anyone. Therefore, I was silenced from seeking help. I used to believe my community especially the Christian settings will support me genuinely but that’s where I was crucified and suffered the most horrific attacks that left me decapitated. I was spiritually abused, and my vulnerability was used against me even on the pulpit. I lived in a shell, and never realised all these unduly and depressive behaviours were also affecting my own children. The way I neglected myself due to severe depression and unknowingly making myself absent from spending quality time with my children had a great impact on their emotional, mental, psychological and many effects to their health and well-being.
The curse and my dilemma have been broken when I met Eppy the CEO of Inspirational Women to Action (IWTA) in 2012 during her Tuesday ‘Purposeful women fellowship group’. This was my turning point, on this day, I began my journey of healing, but I never knew it or took note that my deliverance from depression had come. When I joined this group, I was consistent at but again went into isolation for a reason I didn't know or can’t explain. I went back into my old ways of nurturing depression but Eppy the leader of Inspirational women to action (IWTA) never gave up on me. After few months, I went back to join the group, Eppy kept the doors of communication open, she would call to check on me, visit us with the children, and at one point took my children and I to her family gathering were I was always welcomed with cheerfulness and great love. This was so shocking to me as I had never experienced such embrace. In the first instances, I was ashamed to share my experiences and some burning issues I was going through. The decision of nursing my problems was gigantic and very difficult to control. I lived in fear of victimisation because I had drunk enough from that bitter cup. I have been humiliated and embarrassed in front of others and this has murdered my dreams, self-confidence, and self-love. Previously, I had experienced rejection and horrific comments from my ex-partner. I seemed to attract my abusers, but after attending few sessions and receiving extra one to one counselling from Eppy and team then I began to slowly regain my self-esteem and confidence back. Seeing other women sharing their experiences comfortably, expressing themselves without fear of judgement and the support they were getting made me feel at easy. I broke loose and began to share my own story. Before I did so, one thing I had noticed was that any issues discussed within were never discussed outside, there were some elements of maintain confidentiality, I felt safe and secure. At one I reacted in shock of someone who shared her story, still no one ever condemned my look, gestures, reactions, even my dressing, etc. Because of how depressed I was, my first daughter began to gain a lot of weight, and everyone were saying to her you are too fat or this or that. IWTA taught me this was body shaming, and it is not allowed, and they also started building my daughters confidence. IWTA did a session on body shaming, and I realised it was not only my daughter and myself who were going through that but other people too. In fact, all these made me realise that lots of people are suffering in silence. All I was seeing and experiencing that day was always very positive and encouraging. I heard loads of ‘wows’, you look amazing! Beautiful, etc and genuinely my mindset was changed. These women were so optimistic and talked to each other with so much respect. I was so much fortified and motivated.
In the 2016, I had a terrible miscarriage, a serious marital issue which I later became a lone parent. My whole world crumbled, and I felt so deserted and again the fear of victimisation and condemnation held the best of emotions, I was shattered. Again, Eppy and team stepped up and Eppy calmly said to me ‘Franca, I won't let you go, I will never give up on you, until you get there’. These words changed my life forever, each time I wanted to give up on myself I would remember Eppy’s words. I can vividly remember so many times how I used to be so angry with Eppy’s advice, and sometimes, I would stop getting in touch with her, but she never stopped communicating. This is all because of my previous experience and she was too good to believe she was authentic. She was too nice that I thought she was faking everything she was doing but Eppy would smile and gently say to me ‘Franca I am not giving up on you until you are healed’. Eppy worked on me tirelessly, loved my children and started exposing me to empowerment events, workshops even visiting her family members in various parts of the country. I was shocked to this kind of love.
Slowly but surely, I took heed and allowed Eppy to mentor me. The more I was regaining myself, I also began to develop my relationship with my children, and fought the need of staying in bed, or staying off work without calling my manager, and they would be looking for me, my sickness absence began to reduce significantly. I started learning some helpful character traits such as how to forgive myself for neglecting self, how to be patient and worked on reducing my anger and screaming. I began to spend more quality ample time with my children. I began to use the word "I love you" to my children and give them positive affirmations, calling them prince and princesses, and I noticed how they became close to me as well. My children became so relaxed and would send me productive text messages whilst I am at work. They will tell me how much they love and missed me, and I will do the same. That has continued until today. I am so grateful to IWTA for restoring my family back together and I became one of the reliable, hard workers at my workplace.
I applied for the cleaning supervisor job in the NHS. I also went to learn baking with the help of IWTA which was therapeutic and helped me to identify my hidden talent. I now bake for IWTA events and public which also help me engaged and earn extra income without depending only on my wages. Wow, I am loving seeing myself encouraging and counselling others, which is unbelievable and a big shock to me. IWTA has really played a very big role in my life. I was never one day blamed nor condemned but was forever shown love, respect and kindness.
My family, together with Eppy's, went on holiday in the month of April this year 2023. During that holiday, I remember Eppy and her sister Chenai advising me to go back to school. I took the advice and decided to start afresh. With my schooling now, I have the hope of pursuing my career. The dream that I dreamt years ago will surely come to manifestation. Finally, with my new me, I can get up and do things I want to do without hesitation. I am having the last laugh. I sincerely pray for IWTA that they will remain steadfast and continue to support the disadvantaged people and those suffering a lot of rejection. God bless IWTA and thank you Eppy for steadfastness and being a true role model. I have learnt from the best. You came at the time I needed someone, and you never gave up on me. God bless my mum who has been my pillar and back bone during my journey of life till date.
Truly grateful to IWTA team. All my love Franca Joseph Ajonye
TESTIMONIAL
I young mother of two beautiful girls and one boy (late). The year 2020 started on a sad note as many people were dying from the invisible enemy of COVID-19. In the first quarter of the same year, I found out I was pregnant. At first, I was in denial and was also a little bit afraid as it was during the pick of COVID. I went for my first scan the doctor confirmed that I was going to have a baby boy. On hearing the news of my baby boy, all the fear flew, and I was left very joyous that for a moment I couldn’t remember the viciousness of the pandemic. I was extremely thrilled. By the time I went for a second scan and the news was still the same that I was having a baby boy. My heart leapt with joy. I screamed with excitement as I felt God had answered my prayers in a very miraculous way, indeed my heart was full of joy and happiness that I couldn’t comprehend. I started my count down and time seemed to go fast. My delivery date arrived in no time. I started being in labour in the early hrs of the 29th of September 2020. My husband took me to the hospital and I had already dilated up to 3 cm. Within no time I was on 5 cm, hrs pass by, and the cm remained at 5cm. I felt stuck as the pain was exceptionally excruciating. After enough time of waiting and lamenting in agony the doctor suggested a caesarean. I was gutted as I was expecting everything to go smoothly as at the beginning of the pregnancy. I prayed and sought God’s guidance and immediately I felt the inner peace to go ahead with the operation. By then I was having mixed emotions of just wanting to hold my baby boy. I saw all the health team members hasting up and down in preparation of the c-section. In less than an hour I was holding my bouncing baby boy and I named him Kyle ‘Akudzwe’ meaning May God be glorified. In no time, I was discharged and went back home holding my little Prince Charming and my gorgeous girls were ecstatic. I watched my little man, and he was so blissful. I couldn’t stop thanking my God for this amazing gift he had blessed me with. Indeed, I was content.
Time for a three-month review arrived, as usual I couldn’t wait to hear how my baby was growing and to hear more good news about his development. The nurses at the day clinic checked him severally but I didn’t expect that by the end of these checks my heart will be in pieces. After some time, they called me in a private room and broke the news that paralysed me for days. I felt like a bomb was thrown at me and just left me to die. I was shuttered my entire world dissolved right in front of me. I felt like a sharp knife was piercing through my throat. I started shaking uncontrollably as they gently rub my shoulder, my tears were flowing like a river, and I just wanted to believe that this was a bad dream I will certainly woke up from it. I wept bitterly as they proceeded to tell me ‘Your son is severely disabled, and his head circumference was way too big than his age’. My dancing, celebrations and excitements were immediately turned into deep sorrow crowded with very dark cloud that was overwhelming. Why my baby boy? I questioned God. The doctors and nurses tried so hard to console me and tried to explain the way forward. I had to tell them that I am hearing nothing if they could kindly call any of my sisters and explain to them. I was completely blank. After they spoke to one of my sisters and explained everything as they are in medical fields, they also were affected but had to be strong for my baby boy and me. That very day I was referred to a bigger paediatric hospital where a CT scan was conducted, and the doctors told me another bombshell. He addressed with all politeness and kindness as he broke the terrible news as if the first ones were not enough. He began ‘I am sorry Noreen your son has water around his brain which is called ‘hydrocephalus’. Honestly, I gasped for breath as I sheepishly ask, ‘is there anything else I need to hear’. He shook his head as he was empathetic to my situation. My husband was working faraway, and network was difficult to get hold of him. I felt very lonely, and denial set in mercilessly. I was frozen and shivering uncontrollably. I couldn't believe what I was hearing because a personally when I was looking at him, he looked perfectly like my late father who also had hydrocephalus from childhood, and he died at 75years. That night I cried myself out to sleep. That kind of pain I do not wish anyone to go through such dilemma. I was booked for MRI scan in 5 months, I was broken 💔as to why it was going to be that far away instead of earlier appointment. My mind was on high-speed race with thoughts as to why the doctors were giving me distant date when they had just told me awful news and can see my son needed instantaneous help.
For days I cried both detectible and silent tears. I would play one of the song from one Zimbabwe musician ‘namely: ‘Tocky vibes’ which has the chorus that says "ko ini Mwari chii chandaita mimba yakarwadza handina kubvisa nhasi ndobara mwana momutambudza ko marwadzo acho dai mapa ini munondidarirei ndavhunza" it's a song where a mom is pleading and asking God "what crime have I committed for I have carried the pregnancy full term and I have given birth but you now causing pain to the child y can't you transfer the pain to me. I wept as this song became my daily bread. The appointment I was given for MRI scan came I went in with my son expecting to hear some kind of good news. Surely, I was hopeful. I wanted God to turn away this calamity that had befallen me. Instead, another worst nightmare of my life as they began to say I am sorry Mrs, I quicky interrupted and say ‘Not again please’ I broke down before I even hear what the doctor was about today. Why me dear Lord? I painfully asked. The doctor allowed to sob for some time and had to do his job ‘I am sorry Noreen, I know this is going to be more difficult for you, but your son is severely disabled, he has bilateral open lip schizencephaly which means he had an abnormal brain or that is brain was not fully developed’. He proceeded the rubbing in of already the deep wound ‘we are sorry that the neurology department and confirmed that nothing can be done’. I collapsed in agony. He waited for me to regain my strength and he continued to say, ‘if he was to grow, he would not be able to do anything, he will be a wheelchair bound for the rest of his life’. That moment I hold my baby boy so tightly, looked at him and saw none of what the doctor had just broken down to me. I saw a perfect little boy full of life and energy. As I gazed at him, he smiled as if he was telling me ‘Mummy don’t worry I will be fine’. I felt some kind of peace with me seeing his smile and my love for him grew. It took me up to his death to accept that this is his and my reality. Although, I started fighting for his well-being, I could easily breakdown to the thought of my baby boy unable to do anything. So, I started to be more interested in my son's condition so I could learn more for the two years that I was with him. My son could not sit on his own, but he could give a million dollar smile even when he was in pain. I self-taught myself so many things on how to handle and support him and transferred these skills to my beautiful girls who adored him so much and they would feed him, change him, help me to bath and everything was well.
The news for his severe disabilities came the same week as the death of my father who died from covid-19. The timing was draining but I had to be strong for myself as well as my son. Although it was painful to lose my father who was very close to me, I had to hold myself together, but the pain was increasing within me. My dad was my greatest cheerleader he would call and ask, ‘how Kuku is doing or just maybe if the doctors came up with something’. Dad died when I need him most. I was anguished. Nothing made sense at all, but life had to go on.
A year later after my dad passed away Kuku was admitted in hospital after he has been in and out of hospital. On that fateful day on the 25th of September 2022, he had severe fits. I was not worried as I was hoping he would come out of these fits and strong cause in him I saw a fighter ‘mfana wangu’ my little soldier. Despite all that was happening to him, he never stopped smiling. He was my true inspiration and hero. Trust me, each time I looked at him I had hope and faith that my baby boy will be fine. He was put on drip and oxygen; little did I know he was in his last days. I remember vividly on the 26th of September 2022 the doctors told me the situation is bad but because of denial I took no notice and didn't process the information in my mind. The following day on the 27th of September 2022 at 7:15am my son took his last breath, but I couldn't even tell that he was no more. I called the doctor thinking my son is biting his tongue, but before he bites his tongue, he lifted his head and looked at me and his dad and smiled. Before this he had never lifted his head on his own without some support. So, to me God had healed him. The doctor came and confirmed that my baby boy had passed away. Truly I thought these doctors like spreading bad news and all what he was not making any sense because I was in denial, pain and grief. I even hold my son in my arms for almost 30 minutes thinking he would just smile at me again or cry for me. I was heartbroken on the thought that every time he seemed to make progress in my eyes, and I seem to accept his condition more bad news will surface. Why did God choose to promote him to glory and live me in pieces. I was truly lost, and I felt destroyed and defeated at the same time.
By the time I found out about of my son's condition, my sister who is the Clinical Lead IR Lead in the NHS and the founder of inspirational women to action introduced me the zoom meetings where different topics were shared every week. These sessions helped me a lot with my confidence, grief and the condition of my son, because these sessions talked about real life challenges or rather genuine lived experiences. This Charity Organisation IWTA changed my mind set women from the group were very supportive. I was also privileged to go through grief recovery sessions which my sister had paid for me to get some recovery support. I used to think that grief is only when you lose someone to death, but now I learnt there are lots of things that can cause us to grieve, for example, job loss, miscarriages etc. I believe I grieved when I found about my son’s severe disabilities. I also learnt that there is no time frame for grieving, we only learn to live with whatever that has made us grieve. I also learnt that when somethings happen to us, they are myths or beliefs that people expect from us. I for one when I found out that my son had disabilitie different people came to me with opinions that were very unhealthy. Some were saying toxic insensitive comments such as: ‘you are not the first nor the last to have a disabled child’, ‘it happens take heart’, ‘be strong for the other kids’, ‘it is well’, and the worst were giving me false hope like: ‘God specialises in impossibilities He can change his situation’. These comments were thorns in my flesh. Some they will stare at my son and ask me questions that were grieving my heart as I also didn’t have the answers they wanted. Then those that gossiped about my son’s condition and started spreading rumours that were not true. As I kept on joining educative sessions from IWTA, I later learnt that it's not about others’ opinions or thoughts but it's about me as an individual. I also loved the book by Eppy ‘Down but not out’ made me to realize no situation is permanent.